A found or chosen family refers to a group of people who intentionally choose to love and support each other, regardless of marriage or blood relationship. People may build and describe their found families differently.
Just because the phrase “You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family” is common doesn’t mean it’s true. It’s not.
Chosen families prove that, actually, it is possible to choose your friends and your family.
Also known as “found family,” a chosen family is made up of people who intentionally choose to embrace, nurture, love, and support each other regardless of blood or marriage.
This might sound broad, but the concept of chosen family is purposefully e-x-p-a-n-s-i-v-e because it exists to expand the rigid definition of what society typically understands “family” to be. *throws confetti*
Nobody seems to know who coined the phrase “chosen family,” but the concept has existed for a long time.
Bahiyyah Maroon, PhD, said, for people of color, there’s a long history of children finding new “parents” when their biological parents were enslaved or killed.
Chosen families are far less prescribed than the standard dictionary definition of the word “family.” Some chosen families posit someone in the mother role, someone in the father role, and others in the sibling role.
Maroon, for example, shares that she has a chosen mother, chosen brother, and chosen sister (whom she calls her gift-mother and gift-siblings). “I wanted someone to send flowers to on Mother’s Day and I wanted a brother to exchange that brother-sister bond with,” she said.
However, some chosen families abandon the nuclear family structure entirely, eliminating roles like mother, father, brother, or sibling.
“To a stranger, my chosen family would probably just look like a crew of friends,” said Ash, 32, of Brooklyn, New York. “After all, we’re all about the same age and have a similar style.”
But they say the bond the crew of six shares is more familial than friendly. “I can’t totally describe it,” said Ash. “But if you saw us bicker, you would know what I mean.”
Tommy, 39, of Austin, Texas, offers a similar sentiment: “My chosen family features people of a variety of ages, but the older people don’t necessarily function as parents and the younger ones as children.”
Instead, the unit functions as a group equally invested in supporting one another, he said.
Often, chosen families and biological families are seen as existing in an either/or paradigm.
Example #1: You have either a chosen family or a biological family.
Example #2: Someone is either part of your chosen family or your biological family.
But this framing isn’t adequate.
A chosen family does *not* require the absence of a biological family.
Raquel, 24, of New York City, for example, grew up with a single mom and no siblings.
“Every holiday, my mom and I got together with the other single moms and daughters/sons that we’re close to,” said Raquel.
Although she and her mom are blood-related, she still considers her mom to be part of this larger chosen family structure. Having this chosen family doesn’t negate the fact that Raquel and her mother have and are in communication with their biological family.
“My mom’s siblings and cousins all live in Arizona, so we just can’t see them as often, but they’re still family even if we don’t spend Christmas with them,” she said.
The story of queer folks leaving behind — or more commonly, being abandoned by — their biological families and choosing new family structures is as common in real life as it is in the media. (See: “Queer As Folk,” “The L Word,” “Tales of The City,” etc.)
But no, the concept of chosen family isn’t inherently queer.
Just think about a wedding party between straight-heterosexual folks, said mental health professional Kryss Shane, LMSW, author of “The Educator’s Guide to LGBT+ Inclusion.”
“Often bridesmaids or groomsmen aren’t blood-related — they’re people chosen by the marrying pair to support them,” explains Shane.
The concept of chosen family is inherently non-European and non-heteronormative. But there have been all sorts of types of non-blood families throughout history.
“Chosen family is something that other cultures have offered to the LGBTQ+ community as an option and that the LGBTQ+ community seized in response,” said Maroon.
But, adds Maroon, “refusing to remain in kinship with people who reject us and who are toxic to us isn’t just for queer people.”
A chosen family offers folks the opportunity to experience abundant love, joy, safety, and belonging.
For folks who have been rejected by their biological families, these chosen families may be the only opportunity they have to experience these things.
All those good feelings offer major
It can also keep people from feeling intensely isolated and alone during moments of joy and mourning, such as a holiday or a family death.
“One of the best ways to think about who your chosen family is, is to think about who you would want to call when you got the worst news of your life,” said Shane. And, to think about who would call you on their worst days.
If you can identify your support system and who you are a support system for, you can likely identify your chosen family.
Start by asking yourself, “What can I do to better show up for the people in my life whom I care about?” Then, show up for those people in those ways.
Having a chosen family isn’t just about how others take care of you; it’s how you take care of others.
By giving to your loved ones in these ways, you establish an ethic of care that has the potential to develop into a chosen family kind of care.
If you don’t (yet!) have people who you care about in those ways, your first step is to find those folks. Position yourself to meet people who may have similar interests, beliefs, and desires as you.
You might join a lesbian book club or start a queer Jewish cooking group. Or maybe you’ll volunteer at Habitat for Humanity, or join a local gardening club.
Then, show up. And keep showing up. Eventually, hopefully, you’ll form alliances with folks who feel like gifts in your life.
Such was the case for Peter. “My biological family was killed in a car crash years ago,” says Peter, 31, of Brooklyn, New York. “After that, I joined a synagogue and started going to one of the weekly grieving groups.”
That group is where he met the folks with whom he now spends every Jewish holiday. It’s been 15 years.
Proving that it is possible to choose your family, chosen families offer people an additional or alternative realm of connection, love, and support.
While these days the concept is mostly talked about as it relates to queer individuals, someone of any sexuality can have a chosen family.